Dear Diary – #1

December 21, 2022 ~ Chapter 51, Re-emergence.

Dear Diary,

How fitting that in the Cosmos, today marks the time of the longest night before the gradual return of more and more light. It is Winter Solstice and I’m so happy to report that I can finally see the light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel, since that’s exactly what all of 2022 has felt like…a long drawn out time of darkness that only kept getting darker and darker with each passing day! But first, the Sun (Sol) comes to a stand still in the sky before its move in the opposite direction, back to longer periods of daylight. So I too will allow my Soul a pause to reflect back on the past year, on Chapter 50.

So what stands out in Chapter 50? That’s a loaded question! But I’ll begin with what encompasses it all, which is the very clear parallel my life has to the movement of the heavens. Now that I’ve come to this half-way point in my life and I’ve learned to pay attention to the bigger picture, I marvel at it! Some people call it Astrology. I liken it more to my cellular ancestral connection to the wisdom of the heavens; the Mayan cosmogenesis that is mysteriously woven into the fabric of my being. I don’t know how or why but I seem to have come into this life with a penchant for looking up and widening the scope. Some people call that “Sagittarius, the Archer,” my sign; but I call it, me.

But what parallels am I referring to? Sheesh, where do I begin?! Well, I was previously told about this time in my life, my 50th year, during my first astrology reading back in 2009. Back then I couldn’t have known just how significant and amazingly accurate that information was! It wasn’t a prediction of any certain event but it was notable enough in my chart to be pointed out as an important time. And now that I have lived through it I can clearly see that nothing in my life is separate from my connection to the stars!

I know that in some circles this kind of thinking or this perspective of life is considered blasphemous. I’ve always found that odd, ironic even, when I recall the story of the Three Wise Men in the Bible (I also find it odd that only the wise men and not the wise women – who have always been connected to the Cosmos via our natural rhythms with the moon’s cycles – weren’t also mentioned in the story, but that’s a whole other blasphemous journal entry). My point is that those wise men were obviously astrologers! Oh they may not have been defined in that way but they most definitely had a deeper knowledge of the Cosmos. I mean, they followed a star in the sky to find the newborn Christ, for goodness sake! How much more proof does any religious skeptic need in order to release the art of astrology from the erroneous prison chains of blasphemy? But that’s just my take on the whole topic.

Anyway…speaking of all these star, planet and cosmic connect-a-dots…it really became undeniable during Chapter 50.

Back in 2009 during that first natal chart reading, the seasoned female Astrologer emphasized that I would be doing “a lot of healing” at the age of 50, during my Chiron return (which by the way I now recognize as the equivalent of the commonly known phenomenon, “mid-life crisis”). So I was pretty excited about my 50^th year. I was looking forward to it, even. But I had no idea that what she really meant was that 50 would be the year from hell!!! Ugh! And now that it has come and gone…whoa…let me clear my throat!

Lol! Okay wait…so I have this odd “life-soundtrack” thing where random songs or lyrics pop into my mind connected to the topic at hand. This time it’s the intro lyrics of that funky, ol’ school, one-hit-wonder:

Let Me Clear My Throat, by DJ Kool

“Some of y’all might know this, and some of y’all don’t.

Some of y’all might get wit’this, and some of y’all won’t.

But listen, let me clear my throat…

Oh! Have mercy babe. Ha! I hope ya don’t mind…let me clear throat…

Here we go now. Check it out – ah huh, ah huh, ah (God damn!)”

Exaaactly! Hahaha! For the sake of my sanity, I have to inject some humor into the mix because shit gets heavy!

See, I had no idea what I was in for during my 50^th year. The string of events that sent me into the darkest time of my adult life was beyond intense, it was traumatic! Suicide blind-sided my life and split my world wide open! Stress, grief, confusion, chaos and subsequent health related issues slammed over me like a wave bigger than the mountains outside my window! I even had a dream about a wave of water so enormous that it swelled above and spilled over the tallest peak and squashed me! I woke with a start, knowing that in the dream I did not survive. But oh the grace of the dream-time, for at least it was only in my dreams that the wave took me out. In waking life I had already decided to strap on my life-jacket, face the wave, dive straight into it like an insane surfer and emerge from the other side, alive! And all of this during that infamous Chiron return!

Notably, in the midst of the most intense and choppy waters of my pain, I briefly crossed paths (and not coincidentally) with an older woman who had gone through a similar life experience. Some 16 years back her husband of many years took his own life and left her with two teenaged children, and all during her Chiron return. “Oh, I almost died during my Chiron return,” she gasped wide eyed at the memory. “I can’t believe I made it out alive!” Yep, my sentiments exactly. Strangers only minutes before, she ended up giving me a much needed warm long hug goodbye as she spoke a blessing into my ear. “You and your loved one had a soul contract together. You were meant to experience this. Your soul knows why. Trust ‘what is,’ because the process of getting through this will serve your highest good, it will cause you to grow. All is truly well.” I’ll never forget that woman and the life-raft made of words that she rescued me with in that moment – proof that Angels are always waiting around every corner when we’re open to their help. And believe me, “help me, help me, help me please!” was a part of the perpetual prayer of my wounded heart. It still is.

Chapter 50.Whew! Even my wise woman astrologer friend told me that she’d never witnessed a more intense Chiron return. “Damn! Why me?!” was my immediate inner question. But there was also an immediate inner answer. “Because, you signed up for this. You knew you had the strength of spirit. Like taking a Master’s course, your Soul knew that it had what it takes to finally face, transmute and exhaust a whole lot of negative karma in this lifetime. This is your Master’s course!” Whoa! But you know something…it seems that all of the brave souls who are here now, came here to step into their Mastery on some level, whether they know it or not.

But after hearing that, I definitely knew it was true for me. It’s very clear in my natal chart. The blueprint was definitely defined when I came in, I just didn’t know it this clearly until now. Thanks Cosmos! 🙂 Sincerely.

Because seen from this perspective, how amazing it is! I get to utilize all of the crap I’ve been through in Chapter 50 and in this lifetime as tools and wisdom from this point forward. And I not only get to heal my karmic stuff but I also clear the line for my ancestors as well, and I lend my part to the clearing of the human collective karma too. I am the one I’ve been waiting for?! Really?! Yikes…that’s pretty intimidating and a responsibility that I – an admitted commitment-phobe – have a hard time believing that I chose to take on lol! But it sure does explain a lot. In fact, it explains everything! Ev-ery-thing! And given this new set of eyes, I get to look upon all of the events of my life – especially the confusing and painful ones – as having a Divine purpose. How beautiful!

Ha! It’s 11:11 as I stop right now to recharge my laptop battery. I love it!

And that’s another sign post of this truth about my Master’s Earth-Life course- those repeating number sequences. Since 2017, every time I look at my electronic devices or a receipt or an email or, or, or…those repeating number patterns are everywhere, all the time, every singe day! Like just right now I looked at the time again and it’s 11:44. No joke! It’s all about the signs! Op, another song:

Signs, by Five Man Electric Band

“Sign, sign, everywhere a sign.

Blocking out the scenery, breaking my mind.

Do this! Don’t do that!

Can’t you read the sign?!”

And in my case, I’m grateful for the signs because they’ve blocked out what what I only wanted to see, in order to help me see what I needed to. And thank God for the signs ‘breaking my mind’ because sometimes we have to lose our minds – the false patterns of thinking – in order to discover the truth behind the false. And the, “do this!” “don’t do that!” can be real life savers too, if we heed the guidance of those signs. Because I must admit that I ignored the signs a whole lot! In fact, looking back, ignoring the many signs that I needed to face my grief was clearly what prolonged my pain, allowing it to mutate into suffering via physical illness for the majority of 2022. Aaaand another song’s lyrics come to mind:

How It Left, by Violents & Monica Martin

“I have no place to store this.

Too heavy and too near.

Where do I go to forget,

This tidal wave of grief?”

Forget. Yep, that’s what I wanted to do and what I very unsuccessfully attempted to do. I just wasn’t ready. I remember thinking, “it’s like trying to swallow the entire ocean in one gulp! I just can’t!” And it was true; I couldn’t. But now that I’ve had the personal experience of someone so close to me passing away, I understand those 5 Stages of Grief very intimately. You know: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

And me? Well I spent an entire year in the denial stage. And while in that stage I can now see that what I was really avoiding was facing myself. See, I knew – in my very upset gut – that I would be meeting much more of myself than I ever cared to. I just knew that the gaping chasm from which all of my buried ghosts and demons were now fleeing to find me, would be the “death” of me! But as it turns out, there truly was much that did need to be put to rest; not dumped into a mass grave and then forgotten…no. On the contrary, the karmic-closing process consisted of intentionally honoring each and every undigested piece of grief that came to meet me. And trust me, there was a long, long line waiting outside the door of my heart! And not just from the death of my loved one – that was just the catalyst – but there awaited all the grief that had been abandoned by me from childhood and even further back then that. I mean, I met grief that leaked out of my cells from other lifetimes…stuff that hit me so hard that I knew my ancestors felt it! And it truly was deep, long awaited ancestral healing that took place.

Damn! Lots of stuff was shoved into that “waiting room!” My Inner Physician came out, looked into the waiting room and with a stiff back and pursed lips, turned right back around on its heels lol! But eventually I did make the choice to see each suffering “patient” one by one. It was difficult! It was exhausting! It was not fun nor glamorous. But a lot was cleared out and at least now, I know how to process it when more forgotten grief comes knocking. Skills; the only way to have ‘em is to put ‘em into practice.

Ah Chapter 50. So grateful for you but also so grateful that we’re through! Damn that was a tough one!

And so today is the last day of this year’s dark season. Today marks the return just before the increasing light. And here I am, just beginning Chapter 51. And in alignment with Cosmic inspiration, I share my journey in the same spirit: in the energy of extending increasing light and encouragement to keep on moving. It’s the only way to find The Way.

Keep on Movin’, by Soul II Soul

“Keep – on – movin’.

Don’t stop like the hands of time.

Click-clock, find your own way to stay.

The time will come one day…”

Until next time, I am grateful for it all.

Peace.

ReV